yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
