I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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