Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
