I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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