The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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