Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
