hotel room ftw
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
