Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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