apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
