I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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