You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
