he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
