JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
