i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
