don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize