I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
