life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
