nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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