I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We need to get me chipped asap
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