The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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