i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i will never coherently bang her
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
