if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
