Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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