hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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