remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
