just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
