1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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