Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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