Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize