My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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