It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
