just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
They took my balls.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
