I wish I could punch you in the face.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
