mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize