Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You are a booty call, not a friend.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
