She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
