oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
