Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This house was built for laser tag.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
