normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
