I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
