We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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