She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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