I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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