I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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