pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
