Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
