My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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