I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
