I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
