My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize