Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The feeling are messing with the penis
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
