he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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