Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize