a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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