I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
