he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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