His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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