i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
