happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
