and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You made out with two different species that night
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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