Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
