y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
