Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
