You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
