it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
