My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
