You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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